I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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