Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
