you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
