Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
