I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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