The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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