Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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