this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
