I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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