I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
