I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
