so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
