just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
