Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
