dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
