I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
