He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
