It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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