my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
