You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
