The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
