you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
