apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.