if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.