My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Holy sore nipples Batman
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
