his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
