thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
