I wish I could teleport
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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