he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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