I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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