it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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