You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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