The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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