I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
