now i know why i became what i already was.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
