I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
