I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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