i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
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Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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