You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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