who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
