I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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