The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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