It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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