I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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