and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
