you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
