I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Someone shattered a urinal.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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