This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
