Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Randomize
