So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
