I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
