i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
