I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
