I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
