you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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