Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
