Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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