im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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