I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
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throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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